بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

..:: For Your Sake Only... ::.. [Written by: Wayfarer]

2012-01-13T08:11:00.001-08:00

I want to love only for the sake of Allah
So how could I be so vulnerable to this fella?
My head tells me that he’s not the one for me
Cuz I always imagined it would be me doing the choosing so how could this be?
That such an ordinary brother can sweep me off my feet?

My ideal so lofty and sunnah strict
But my heart keeps skipping beat for beat
I can’t help but feel flattered by his compliments so sweet
I lower my gaze and keep turning away
But somehow our paths keep on crossing anyway

Ya Allah what kind of a test have You sent my way?
I have no right to question You but what can I say
I feel like I am on a rollercoaster of emotion
Excited, frightened
Oh so much confusion
Shaitan’s illusion?

Is his admiration true?
Does he really care for the deen like I do?
Or
Is he just playing with my heart?
Cuz I don’t want to get hurt and fall apart
All I should do now is pray

Ya Allah guide me through this - You show me the way
If he be good for me and my deen
Then make it easy for me
Otherwise turn him away from me
and
Make me contented with Your decree

Whatever happens don’t let this muslimah lose her dignity
I accept that You know what’s best for me
Please preserve me

Aameen

The Fable of The Porcupine

2011-08-24T23:07:00.000-07:00

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold.

The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their Companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.

The moral of the story is: Just learn to live with the pricks in your life! :)

what goes around comes back around

2011-08-09T09:21:00.000-07:00

I let my heart fall, and as it fell, you rose to claim it. It was dark and I was over until you kissed my lips and saved me. My hands, they're strong but my knees were far too weak to stand in your arms without falling to your feet. There's a side to you that I never knew, and all the things you'd said they were never true. I thought, that you did everything right. I guess that was just me wishing you were someone your not. Today I thank God you blew it, I thank God I dodge my mind from staying. I used to want you so bad, now I am so through with it.I don't play revenge, and I don't wanna make you feel bad but if you must know the truth what goes around, comes back around.

how can culture and Islam mix?

2011-08-05T07:13:00.000-07:00

how can culture and Islam mix?
how can this thing be fix?
don't judge me by my skin,
or you will be full of sin,

Allah bless me with this family,
and i love them till eternity,
your nasty words are mean,
just look at me based on my deen,

the wealth that i have is iman,
which gave me grace of a woman,
how can you be blind and not see,
that i love am so in love with thee,

culture can be learn tomorrow,
and I shall see me a better fellow,
i'll make him happy always and forever,
and make him cry i would never

the quiet scares me because it says the truth.

2011-06-02T22:42:00.000-07:00

they say Allah forgives easily, when you forgive easily too. its hard when you dont feel yourself at time. i have nightmare that haunts me every night. how come i let my past effect me so much? the silence scream in my ears saying that i am never good enough, or worthy to be loved. ever since the accident, i thought i could start a new chapter, where everything would be simple and easy. i guess in the end that was only a plan. i dont want to be the girl who wants to be alone. thats not the way i want my story to end.

things i'll never know

2011-04-29T06:16:00.000-07:00

ink spread though papers as i sat down thinking what to write, what to say to him. its almost five months and now he finally text-ed. at the back of my mind i thought that he would think that i am long dead and gone. And our love was just a mystery, missing an action, just an untold melody. hate him? i had never hate him, and even if i try, i can never hate him. in fact i still think of him, still see him in my dream and remember of how things used to be. i still long for his voice and his warm embrace. how can i be such fool, to still think of what it was? how can i still miss him, even after what had passed? guess that's something i will never know.

the engagement

2011-04-24T06:39:00.000-07:00

"am i doing the right thing?" she asked herself as she look into the mirror looking her reflection. "is this the best for me?" she close her eyes, a tear drop shed from her eyes. everyone is waiting for her outside, the family of the groom side waiting anxiously to see her. and now she is having second doubt. she just lost someone she loves dearly less then 5 months ago, and now a party for her to get married, with another guy?

simply just too much people might say. in the other end, probably, this is for the best. she's been hurt many times, and if someone like him is committed enough to get her, then she dont see why not. plus, he dad pretty much like this guy.

"his polite and humble, and most of all he have a strong knowledge in Islam. He can guide you, Rayhan. plus I can assure you, that he can make you happy" that was dad's exact words.

"Ya Allah, if this is what You had plan for me, and this is what You want me to do, then i shall" she stand up, and left the room. The hall was busy with people. little kids laughing, and adults chatting with each others. her heart beats like a drum, as she sat on the cushion next to a young arab woman. The arab woman smiled and said "jameela". she just smiled back and said thank you.

there she was at the peak of the moment, and the groom's mother came and kissed her on the fore head, then she uttered some arabic phrase which she was puzzled with. she took her hand and fit in a diamond ring and said "you my daughter already, call (points at herself) ma" she said at her, while hugging her tight.

she then turn, and saw him, he smiled and said "your my fiance now, Anna". He blushed slightly and then my brother hugged him and a few other of his friend teased him. could it be? "fiance?" she took a deep breath in disbelieved.

i remembered

2011-04-24T06:11:00.000-07:00

i remembered how he asked me what does "sayang" means, and i didnt want to use big words like "love", instead i said "sayang" means adore. and after awhile being with him, he said that he actually knows what sayang means.

i remembered the blue cap that he wore, and how much i hated that dumb cap on him.

i remembered the first time we went out, he wore blue strips long sleeves tshirt and how he walks to the mosque as soon as the heard the azhan.

i remembered how he use to laugh next to me on the passenger seat.

i remembered that 3 days ago was his birthday.

i remembered that he had a habit of walking fast like a speed train.

i remembered how warm his hands are fitting in my palms.

i remembered his face when he knocked down a motorcyclist and how panic he was.

i remembered how much you enjoy food.

i remembered the curve and the places we walk.

i remembered how we use to hang on the phone every night.

i remembered how he poses every time i snap a picture of him.

i remembered the look on his face when i bought those tshirts for him

i remembered how he looks so good in those tshirts.

i remembered the last time i saw him, i cried in the car because somehow at the back of my mind i know that that was the last time i will ever see him. and even though he wiped all my tears, little did he know that he would make my tears fall again.

What if

2011-04-20T09:15:00.000-07:00

Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change

Well I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know

Many roads to take
Some to joy
Some to heart-ache
Anyone can lose their way
And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change

Do you think how it would have been sometimes
Do you pray that I'd never left your side

I am the worshiper

2011-04-14T06:17:00.000-07:00

I am the worshiper who earned the sins forbid by the wishes from seeking forgiveness. I am the worshiper who wakes saddened of his missteps and mistakes, worried and depressed. I am the worshiper who earned the sins forbid by the wishes from seeking forgiveness. I am the worshiper who wakes saddened of his missteps, worried and depressed.

I am the worshiper whose book is being lined where all has been watched and nothing no matter how small is missing. I am the worshiper who is mistaken and sinned in secret (but all is known to Allah) so why wouldn't I start weeping in tears.

I am the worshiper who is mistaken and sinned in secret so why wouldn't start weeping in tears. I am the worshiper who earned the sins forbid by the wishes from seeking forgiveness. I am the worshiper who wakes saddened of his missteps, worried and depressed. I am the worshiper who wasted and lost the years and didn't pay attention to the white hair growing.

I am the worshiper drowned by the sea waves crying for I may find a response. I am the worshiper drowned by the sea waves crying for I may find a response. I am the worshiper who earned the sins forbid by the wishes from seeking forgiveness. I am the worshiper who wakes saddened of his missteps, worried and depressed.

I am the worshiper sick of sins seeking a healer. I am the worshiper who is homeless and wasn't fair to myself so I come to your door in shame. I am the worshiper who is homeless and I wasn't fair to myself so I come to your door in shame. I am the worshiper who earned the sins forbid by the wishes from seeking forgiveness. I am the worshiper who wakes saddened of his missteps, worried and depressed.

The Confession

2011-04-13T08:18:00.000-07:00

he open his eyes wide as he looked at me. His iris had a dark shade of brown with a dash of wooded texture. His cheeks had a rush of pinkish red, as he smile with introversion. "I love you." that was his last word. He cracked his knuckles awaiting for my response. i know he was nervous. pearls of sweat was visible on his wide forehead.

"I don't know what to say..." i looked away, afraid that i might hurt him. i kept telling him before, never have too much expectations, as it would only hurt him. Now i am lost. Lost with not only words, but also lost with what i want. i continued,

"I had been hurt, once too many times. i cant do this. A relationship is the last thing i wanna have."

"you don't trust me?" he questioned me anxiously.

"after what i had gone through, i trust no one. do you even know what love means? it means to love someone helplessly, to fight for love, to give all you have." i sighed heavily. i know my words had somehow cut his honest heart.

he turned away, after listening to my answer. "Your the first person i love, and will be the last, Insya'Allah." he exclaimed. "i would do anything to satisfy you, to give you all you want."

"i don't wanna get hurt. if you want me then talked to my dad or my brother." i didn't know why i even said that. i mean, for God sake, this is not what supposed to come out from my mouth.

he smiled and look at me. "Will this Saturday do?" he giggled, his eyes crinkled a little showing fine lines near his eyes.

"your're not serious, right?" shocked with his response.

"i am serious. tell your father that i am coming." he blushed and walked away. leaving me puzzled.

Ignorance

2011-02-26T23:53:00.001-08:00

How gentle You are with me..
In spite of my great ignorance
And;
How merciful you are with me...
In spite of my ugly deeds..''

Forgive me Allah

2011-02-26T23:47:00.001-08:00

Forgive me Allah
For the wrongs I have done
For anger I shouldn't have
Against anyone

I know I'm weak Allah
But I love You, I really do
And in spite of my weakness
I know You love me too

Forgive me for not reading
Forgive us for not practising
Forgive us for not implementing Your eternal Words
While society at large suffer
From the ommission of our submission

Oh Allah let us come to the understanding
Only with Your Deen can humanity Prevail
And me for the times that I stray
Forgive me for being too tired
When I don't take the time to pray
While my Ummah lay in shame
With ignorance i forget your way

Give me the strength, Oh Allah!
To do what I should each day
Let Your love shine through me
So others will follow Your way

Even though I've failed You Allah
I know You'll forgive me
And this I promise Lord
A better Muslim I will be

For Your presence is in me
Filling my heart with Your love
And I have Your reassurance
You're guiding us from above

I love You Allah, and thank You
For the limitless blessings You bestow
I must tell others about You
So Your goodness they too, will know
Forgive me Ya Allah
Forgive and Guide this Ummah.
Victory is Promised by You
Make us worthy of it Ya Allah.

i like you!

2011-02-14T03:23:00.001-08:00

Telling someone you like them is hard isn't it?
Because,
you have to pick the right place,
to tell them those three words to their face,

You have to tell them what you feel,
hoping what they feel is also real,

You have to tell them "I like you",
and hope they say back "I like you too.",

You have to tell them cause it feels right,
and it's time to say the speech you practiced all night,

You really want them to know it,
but you're too afraid to show it,

So your waking up everyday,
letting time just pass away,

Not telling them is a bad thing to do,
so quit being shy and just tell them what you believe is true,
just tell them "I like you"

Not a letter

2011-02-02T03:46:00.000-08:00

here i am again. staring at this laptop of mine, looking through your pictures for the umpteenth time. reminiscing of whats left, a couple of short emails and memorable photos. i don't really know how i manage to get where i am today, but truth be told, i am relieved. i know you hardly read my post or blog, but then again, who cares. i write what i feel, and it doesn't matter if i hurt you in the process. its funny how life spins, last time we used to be so close, so together, unbreakable. now, we dont even speak. we pretend that nothing had moved us from the day we met and just walk away like nothing passed. i cant measure how much i had missed you, how many hours a day i had spent, thinking about you. in the end, nothing changed. i could give you the world in a golden plate or die for you, in the end you would look through me like a book, flip through every page and leave when your done with it.

there's so many things i wish to say, but i really cant find the right English words to say it. there are times when i hate your guts, hate it so much cause i cant hate you at all. seems rather confusing, i tried hating you,so that i could convinced myself that i am legitimately okay. but later on, as days passed, i realize that i can never hate you, but one thing for sure is that i know i am okay now. i guess, i was afraid before, afraid cause i had always know that i have someone to lean on or fall back to before i could trip, fall and stumble clumsily over my life. i had always known that you would be there to catch me every single time, before i could hit the floor. the past weeks, i had convinced myself, that you had never felt anything for me, and i dont need much to think upon. i mean, i gt crashed by a freaking lorry last month, gt my memories brushed off, and stayed in the ward for weeks, and you didnt call. i had mixed emotions in my brain, all wrapped up, tangled up with my nerves and yet, it felt like you dont give a damn. All you cared was about yourself, and not me.

you may say that what you are doing is for the best, but do tell me, explain, how is it ever best for me when you leave me in a pile of doubts and in pain on the time i needed you the most. i still don't get it, but then again, whats the point, your not even here. the wonderful times i had spent with you, somehow, i wish i could get it all back.

p/s : mom kept asking about you, i think she missed you more then i do.

used to

2011-01-26T07:45:00.000-08:00

You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around.
and I used to lean on you like
The only other choice was falling down.

I used to reach for you when
I got lost along the way.
and you used to listen. then
always had just the right thing to say.

The confusion.

2011-01-26T04:30:00.000-08:00

i just don't get it. when you be nice they say you are too nice. when you are mean, they call you bitchy. now its like a wheel again. turning back to the same path. the path i used to go through. the path where i feel like i am the only one chasing, reaching out. back when i used to be with him, he always treated me like this. the best part is that he think that he is helping me, but he actually made things worst. he said he dont want to see my heart broken. cant he see that what he is doing now is breaking my heart? the truth is, everything cant always be fixed. a broken heart cant be fully fixed just like a broken glass. now i think i am going through the same thing. the same short replies, the same damn answers, and the same "i don't know what your saying" phrase. All this crap just messed my head even more. i don't like dealing with this nonsense. if you don't like having me around, then don't pretend. save your breath and don't waste your time.

10 simple statements to ditch a guy

2011-01-25T23:18:00.000-08:00

1. tell him that he is like a brother you had never had.

2. tell him you want to introduce him to a cousin/ friend of yours.

3. check out other guys in front of him and comment on them in front of him.

4. "i think i like girls"

5. i realized my religion really don't allow this.

6. "i think i am going back to my ex"

7. my dad just found out about our relationship, he wants to see you

8. tell him you are living the country

9. "my dad engaged me to someone"

10. "i had met someone"

The day after

2011-01-25T08:23:00.000-08:00

the morning after, i woke up with a heavy head, not to mention very very bad sore throat. i could not drink as it hurts so much. i felt the rush of fever starting to spread again. the clock strike 4.30am and there i was lying in bed, all covered up with blanket hoping to get some sleep. i guess my body was just too weak to even sleep. pity momma, i felt sorry for her. i always fall sick and she would be the one suffering from lack of sleep. i crawled out of bed and walk to my table where i place the medicine in a white plastic bag next to my laptop. i reached out for my last antibiotic. i took a deep breath and swallow the pill. all i could think of is that Allah knows what i am going through, and i pray that He cure me fast. indeed staying at home is fun, relaxing in fact. but when you are sick and overdosed with drugs, there's nothing luxury about it.

Miracles of the Quraan

2011-01-24T04:48:00.000-08:00

have you ever felt so sick you thought your going to die? where no medicine given could cure you? that's exactly how i felt before. Alhumdulillah, i took everything well, i didn't complain much as i know this is a test from god. he is testing my patients. i did not questioned Him, why he did this to me or wonder if this was a curse. the day i fall sick, i could not even walk. i tried standing up, but my head was so dizzy, my visions went blur and all i could hear was my my heart beating so fast. soon, i couldn't even breathe properly, and i felt a chilling sensation all over my body. i could not even pray, let alone eat. my throat was killing me, it was as if i was chocking to death. i was then rushed to see the doctor. as he examine me, he told me that my symptoms matched with dengue. silently i dua' hoping that Allah would not test me with dengue. i could not bare living in the hospital. i want to pray like normal Muslim prays. i cant take the pain of getting poke with needles and tubes. i don't want to get quarantine, and lastly, i don't want to miss my lessons. i took 7 subjects this semester, i need to be in class. as my thoughts flew far away, he doctor said that it might not be dengue, it must be tonsillitis. Tonsillitis? i thought only kids suffers from that. the next day, i still felt like i was dying. i couldn't sleep, as i had fever the whole night. i woke up at 4am, thinking that its 7am. i could still feel my head spinning like a roller coaster. i dont have the heart to wake momma up. as i know she's tired. i had over dosed myself with panadol and voren hoping to cure my illness, but it did not work. then later that morning, i read the Quran and blow and a glass of water,and the next thing you know. i feel better now. Subhanallah... by the guidance of Allah, the miracles of the Quran had cured me. Alhumdulillah.

Love and a Question by Robert Frost

2011-01-19T21:27:00.000-08:00

A stranger came to the door at eve,
And he spoke the bridegroom fair.
He bore a green-white stick in his hand,
And, for all burden, care.
He asked with the eyes more than the lips
For a shelter for the night,
And he turned and looked at the road afar
Without a window light.

The bridegroom came forth into the porch
With, 'Let us look at the sky,
And question what of the night to be,
Stranger, you and I.'
The woodbine leaves littered the yard,
The woodbine berries were blue,
Autumn, yes, winter was in the wind;
'Stranger, I wish I knew.'

Within, the bride in the dusk alone
Bent over the open fire,
Her face rose-red with the glowing coal
And the thought of the heart's desire.

The bridegroom looked at the weary road,
Yet saw but her within,
And wished her heart in a case of gold
And pinned with a silver pin.

The bridegroom thought it little to give
A dole of bread, a purse,
A heartfelt prayer for the poor of God,
Or for the rich a curse;

But whether or not a man was asked
To mar the love of two
By harboring woe in the bridal house,
The bridegroom wished he knew.

The Flirt

2011-01-19T06:24:00.000-08:00

Questions start fills in her head as she stared blankly at the screen. Her eyes open wide, as her thought runs wild thinking what to reply. Her fingers numb.

"What should I reply him? What is he really saying? I just broke up for God sake, why in the world he would think i am falling for him? Owh my, maybe i flirt too much!" she thought to herself.

She stood there figuring out, what to say, but in the end, she just said sorry. She's not the type who loves to argue. The thought of her losing a friend just froze her on the chair. she let out a heavy sigh.

"Let him just say what he wants. I should just shut up. Whats the point of telling him what i really feel when he had set his mind thinking of things other way round." starting to giggle to what she saw.

She knows this talk would come in someday or another, but she had not prepared for it. She was too busy running. Running from her past, and too scared to face the future. In fact, when the old lady approached her, telling her about the future, she freaked! Especially when the topic hits about MEN. After all that happened, she just sat there, and told herself to stop flirting.

Fact or Fiction

2011-01-17T06:19:00.000-08:00

Tangled between fact and fiction,
twisted in between fake and real,
addicted with music and fashion,
not caring how your friends feel.

letting her suffer through depression,
what the hell is your deal?
getting worked up for no reason,
of some statement made over a meal,

what a sad fanatic addiction.
hoping to find a heal,
to differentiate fact and fiction,
and realized how you friends feel.

Marriage (Something to share)

2011-01-14T10:00:00.001-08:00

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outsidethe door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up

I’m alright

2011-01-12T22:31:00.000-08:00

On a day where I'm feeling fine
I'm thinking my life through,
thinking over everything
that I've somehow made it through.
Thinking of months when I couldn't
ever sleep the whole night through,
kept on waiting for a reason to smile
telling myself, "Man, I'm through."
Remembering days where I would
do what I thought I'd never do,
I'd count up pills and write notes of goodbye
with no one to send them to.
Now I'm sitting back, knowing that
by fighting back my mind,
I've reached today, I don't feel like that,
I'm smiling and I'm glad I'm alive.
I've been through hell,
turned around, hit the bottom,
climbed back up and survived.
Looking forward now
and I can laugh
because finally I can say,
"I’m alright."

The Bet.

2011-01-12T21:59:00.000-08:00

she looked at me, as i pretend not to notice. i know she's going to ask me something silly, and as i expected. she did.

"You are so weird, you know. Three days ago, you look so blue and sad, and today your laughing and smiling none stop. Did he call you?" she asked as she reached out to her mug and took a sip of the hot chocolate i made for her.

"Ma...your supposed to be happy for me, that moved on..." i stared at her giving her a smile.

"So...he did call" she look at me suspiciously.

"Nope, and i dont think he would ever call." still holding on my smile. "I dont think he was in love with me, momma. My sister was right, from the start. If he loved like he said he did, he would be here." i continued.

"Rayhan, he needs time. i am sure he loves you as much as you love him." still looking at me. Her charming green eyes have a spark, like always.

Momma had always been supportive of him. And i know she like him a lot, in fact, his the only guy that mom had approved of. All the guys i had ever dated, she was only smitten by his charm. I dont blame her, cause he had won my heart too.

I laughed slightly. "Momma, i know A***, way better then you. Plus, i had spoken to his cousin. He would not call, that's for sure. I myself, would not call him. Momma, the last time i talked to him, he said that his love had fade for me...and i think his wrong. His love had disappeared, since he left to his country." i switched on the tv hoping to change my mother's focus. "Look, Mel Gibson is on." i said swiftly.

"Your not good at diverting a topic, so stop trying." she laughed. "He would call you. Wanna bet?" she gave me a cheeky smile.

"i dont wanna see you lose, ma." i said giggling over her statement. "okay, its a bet." i smile widely, still haven't moved my eyes off the screen of the tv.

what i realize today, 11.01.11

2011-01-11T02:49:00.000-08:00

life is like a wheel. you never knows what it takes you. flash back to when you were small, you want to be a cook, a teacher, a firemen, police and what so ever, but you end up being doing something else in the future. in life, you cant always get what you want, but you would always be alright with what you have. it is true what people say, the human race is never satisfied with what they have. and once they get something new, they forget to even feel thankful and appreciate what they have. what i had learn last year was a lot. i had fallen in love, found myself, discover my talents, change my goal, love in vain and had broken my heart, but then again the journey was worth it. i had manage to seek and find that part of me that had been lost years ago. i found my true destiny. i found God. and when i found Him, i had learn so much more. i had learn that life isnt as tough as it is. All you have to do is believe in Him and He would guide you to all through. You take care of what He wants and He would take care of you. Yes i got hurt, and i did get hit by a truck, but that had made me who i am. i realize that there was no point getting sad, for Allah is always there, taking care of me. i am so blessed with the year 2010, as it had made me a better person, literally. from now till the day i die, i shall forever be thankful for what He had given me. nothing last forever, love as much you like, laugh as much as you can, take chances and risk, and if you get hurt, remember, its all Allah's will. after all, life is too short, dont stress about the future...Believe in Him and have faith - ALWAYS!

time and space

2011-01-11T01:49:00.000-08:00

please stop crying, i dont want to hurt you,
i just need time and space to be alone,
its not that i am pushing you away,
i'm not changing in anyway,
i just need to recover,
my head still hurts when i think,
yes, you said the past is behind
but yet its still a part of me,
i want to remember what happen,
even if it hurts,
i am not sick,
that i can assure,
i dont want to go to the hospital
they would not let me go home,
i dont want to hurt you,
after all you are my sister,
and i love you,
so please understand,
i need time and space to be alone.

she made dua'

2011-01-10T04:24:00.000-08:00

she just sat there blankly facing the kiblah as the cool chilling air wraps her body that was covered with a white scarf. she sat there hoping Allah would listen to her silent plea. she was shivering,as she raised her hand to make dua'. Tears start falling down her face like acid rain. she praised God and asked for forgiveness for all her sins, then she start telling Him what was on her chest. from the day her lover leaves, till today. And she said in the silence of dawn..

"Ya Allah, there is no one else that i could turn to other then You. Indeed, You had given me so much in my life, that i am forever grateful for, but there's a few more things that i wish for you to grant, for only You are the lord of the world, the only God. All i want, Ya Allah is for the one i love to be happy, I want his day comes easy and moments past slow, and I want each road leads him where he wants to go. I hope You always keep him safe, cause he belongs to You.And if he faced many choice and he have to choose, guide him to what is best and he wont have nothing to lose. If his hope is gone and his down on the floor, please give him the strength to carry on, and if his day is going bad and he is mad, give him the patience to be strong. Most of all, more then anything, Ya Rahman, make this life a comfortable place for him but remind him that this world of Yours in temporary, and grant all his wishes, let his dream stay as big as the mountain and his problem as tiny as a grain of sand.Ya Allah, dont let him carry more then what he can hold. Always make him conscious of Your presence everywhere he goes. Ya Malik, bless him with strong iman and dont let him go astray. Lastly, i want his heart to be big, so he would always help people in need, and whenever he goes wrong, i beg You to remind him, that You are the most merciful ...Ameen"

as she open her eyes, she smiled weakly...hoping her Allah listen to her dua'. She wipe away her wet eye lashes, her mom stared at her and asked, "What a long pause, did you ask for the whole world?" she giggled. "yes, momma i did." she replied. At the corner of her mind, she thought, "To the world, he maybe just a guy, but to me, he is the world." she then swiftly kissed her mothers cheeks, and gave her a hug.

Temporary

2011-01-08T07:02:00.000-08:00

"i want to talk to you" he said in a serious tone in his voice.

"damn it, am i in trouble? what did i do now?" i asked myself, as i watch him sitting in front of me. my heart start beating faster then before. my palms start sweating, as i wonder what was in the old man's head.

"are you okay, sayang? tell me what happen between you and your boyfriend..." he asked in his concern fatherly voice.

blood starts rushing to my face as i tried hiding it with my hand.. " owhh, please dont ask such questions, abah."

"you know you could share with me anything, right?" he answered as he search for my eyes, between my fingers.

"err...we both grew apart, abah. it wasnt meant to be, i guess." i said as i adjust my seat, hoping to finding a more comfortable spot. i couldnt believe my father would ask me such question. i mean his my father!!! i dont share much with him.

he smiled as he asked me more. "...and its been a week already? how come you dont look sad? your hiding your feelings again, arent you?"

i laughed softly "abah, i'm fine. seriously.cant you see this smile on my face, its never going away." i widen my smile and giggled.

"Look, sayang. dont cry... be happy of what you have..."

"i'm not crying, i am okay, abah, so please...lets not talk about this.okay!" i cut him through his unfinished sentence.

"no, you are not. you fake too much, its obvious. " he pause and continued. ".....i dont want to see you sad, so be happy.. this life is temporary. the problem and issues you are facing through are just windows of trial.And you want to know why? cause Allah loves you, so his testing you. so dont be afraid. i may not know how you feel, but Allah knows. and He would bring him back to you. maybe not in this life. but later in Jannah. remember, this is not our world, so dont get lost in it, this is the temporary life, a stop to where all of us are going." he voiced out, then he walked away leaving me in my own thoughts.

a drop of tear rolled down from my cheek. and i took a deep breath. my chest was heavy after hearing to what he said. "yeah..not here, maybe Jannah..." i repeated what abah said and put on a new face.

letting go of you

2011-01-06T09:12:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was hell but
today I'm fine without you
so now i got to keep it strong

and move along like i know would,

even when my hopes is gone

i need to move along
just to make it through..

maybe its best that you leave,

cause i cant explain myself at all,

indeed, you cant feel nothing,

cause you restrain it from your heart,

and when that memory slips away
i'm going to find a better view

cause sometimes you don't make sense

after all the things you put me through

i'm holding on by letting go of you

Back to the begining

2011-01-06T08:40:00.000-08:00

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
Till it was a battle cry

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All i can do is try to know who my friends are
As i head off to war
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light

Now i'm back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because he can't feel it, too
Doesn't means that i have to forget
Let the memories grow stronger and stronger
Till they're before my eyes
maybe its best we go our separate ways

Remind me about us

2011-01-05T22:15:00.000-08:00

Dont you arrange words of goodbye,
Dont utter your last sentence,
Let it disappear with your silence,
Let the silence swallow your absence,
Remind me how it was before,
before i forget everything
Burn the old bridge of love,
Erase all the evil things about love,
Let the wound heals by its own,
Lets forget as time pass
Remind me how it was before,
before i forget everything,
when you hold me,
my pulse raise higher
and the notes in my soul
singing the love tune
when anger strikes my mind,
the hurt just attacks the heart,
i forgot what its like to be with you...
Remind me how it was before,
before i forget everything
Please remind me how it was before...

Mama...

2011-01-05T19:55:00.000-08:00

mama...

i need drugs to keep me numb,

i cant take this pain for long,

they stick needles in me,

as though I'm a voodoo doll,

mama...

take me away from here,

i dont like to be alone,

this hospital is so creepy,

i just wanna go home,

mama...

my whole body hurts,

and my heart is bleeding too,

ask them for drugs,

i need my sleep too,

mama...

i dont like drips,

i dont want to feel sick,

take it off, it hurt,

its the drugs i pick,

mama...

my head feels heavy,

every time i try to remember,

to bring back my memory,

of what happen last November,

mama...

how can he let me go?

when i need him the most,

where did he go?

i miss him most.

mama...

make dua' for me,
i too shall pray,

Allah is here with me,

each and every day,

i wish...

2011-01-04T21:58:00.000-08:00

i wish his happy now,
as i dont want him to be sad

i wish he thinks of me,
as much as i think of him,

i wish that he feels relieved,
now that i am far away,

i wish that I'm okay,
and not sad all day,

i wish my feelings disappear,
cause i know his feelings did,

i wish that he calls,
before its too late,

i wish that he'd come back,
before i decide to move away,

i wish that it didn't end like it did,
but I guess i just wished too much

if i could turn back time...

2011-01-04T21:38:00.000-08:00

if i could turn back time,
i would bring back to what it use to be
to the time where he was mine
and i could hold him in my arms

if i could turn back time,
i would tell him i love him
comfort him everyday
and make things alright,

if i could turn back time,
i would look at him in the eyes,
kiss all his doubts away,
and give him a glimpse of hope,

if i could turn back time,
i would appreciate what i have,
make him feel special
and tell the world he is mine

if i could turn back time,
which i could never do,
i would thank him for being with me
when I'm happy or blue

He's never coming back

2011-01-04T08:09:00.000-08:00

he's never coming back,
because his heart is intact,
and mine had a big crack,
yes, indeed that's the fact,

never did he love me,
it was all just a lie,
if he did feel the same,
he'd stop me from saying goodbye,

he didn't understand why,
i can never love him less,
no matter how much i try,
in the end I'll be in stress,

if i had gave him what he wants,
i know i would never be happy,
tears and grief shall i haunt,
and my life would be empty,

that Thursday we last spoke,
i felt just so unwelcome,
he watch me as i choke,
leaving me with no choice or hope,

he's thousands of miles apart,
and i was just another fool,
counting the days from the start,
how come life can be so cruel?

All i wanted was to love him,
to love him with all my heart,
now I'm feeling blue and dim,
all broken and torn apart,

for him i cannot wait,
as he had already choose,
i know his love had fade,
leaving our memories in bruise,

he's never coming back,
because his heart is intact,
and mine had a big crack,
yes, indeed that's the fact,

What do you say?

2011-01-04T04:12:00.000-08:00

If you change you mind :::: 07.01.11

2011-01-04T01:20:00.000-08:00

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking of what it might be,
another day has pass and its your last chance to feel again,
cant you see, that its your doubts that blinds you,

so change your mind and make things right
indeed, you cant feel anything that your heart dont want to feel,
but that heart of yours would lead you to deceiving

everything is in your hand, before i choose to take the walk,
dont stop me by then, cause i'm going to let go of you,
for now i'll wait by he phone for you to call.

Subhanallah... i love him

2011-01-03T23:21:00.000-08:00

dont come any close to me ever again,
i am more hurt as i can never be yours,
i had tried moving and forgetting you,
but my thoughts keep running back to you,

why does this happen to me?

Allah, please forgive this creation of yours,
as i can never drift myself away from dreaming of him,
for i am only human,
and i am so in love with him

Last day of class :: End of semester

2010-11-27T04:47:00.000-08:00

Its the last day of class, and here i am standing by the grave side, trying to be strong while squeezing my grandmother's hand. My uncle's death was as expected. He had cancer and was at the fourth stage when he left us. He suffered a lot, and all of us knew his pain was unbearable. During chemotherapy, he was advised to drink a lot of water, but being the stubborn men he is, he did not follow the advise. He claimed that when he drinks, the water tasted different. This had caused a damaged to his kidney, causing the cancer to spread all over his body.
He had planned to do "umrah" in year 2011, but in the end, Allah had made other plans for him.
I don't know my uncle that well. All I know was, he was a jovial person. He laughed as much as he can and tries his best to make other laugh too. I may have not attended the last day of class, but i had learn so much. Its the end of semester, and i know i had learn a lot in class, but nothing can beat what i had learn today...

5 Things I had learn:-

1. Whatever you do, the only one that can save you is God.
2. You never know when you're going to die.
3. We can plan stuff, but Allah is the one who decide.
4. Family is always important
5. Being strong is ALWAYS good

Final Examination

2010-11-27T04:14:00.000-08:00

sleepless nights, and scattered papers,
forgetting to even wear my slippers,

burning brain, unlimited stress,
how am i to get some rest?

too many assignments, too little time,
maybe i should bite some lime,

to wake me up, to make me sober,
so i could face the month of December,

should i give up, should i hold on?
i just feel like breaking down

I'm going to burst, and my head hurts,
my faith already covered with dirt,

i cant breathe, i cant think,
even my eyes they can not blink,

effort put and the extreme I've dealt ,
while the college squeeze my father's belt,

it like high school, except that its worst,
depression haunts you like a curse,

final exam is coming sooner then it seems,
wishing that this is just a disastrous dream,

75 year old retired postmaster who is an artist...

2010-11-17T08:11:00.000-08:00

Its been three days since i was retired from being a postmaster. Sitting at home is just so dead boring. I think Laila is also getting bored seeing me at home. Laila is an amazing wife, but she nags to much about my painting. She just don't get it that i don't like selling my art. she must understand, that i don't like being criticize for what i do as a hobby. For god sake, why would she show my painting to her sister? i don't like that big mouth ~~bitchy~~ women. She used to say that what I do for living was nonsense. Said that anyone could be a postmaster. Well, try being one.

I shouldn't let my head gt messed up with her, its a waste of time. Now, what should i paint? Lets put some fun into it. How bout a sexy women in a bikini? Laila would get annoyed, she would asked me to sleep on the couch tonight. Then again, she don't need to know. Lets start with the big brown "eyes"...

who said grandma cant rock?

2010-11-17T07:56:00.000-08:00

who said grandma cant rock? I certainly say yes.However it depends on the definition of rock itself. Sadly for me, my grandma had passed away when I was young, but then again, my mom is now a grandma. She is certainly not my grandma, but she is an amazing mother. My niece would be so thankful to Allah, for an awesome grandma like her.
One thing about my mom, she could be anybody she choose to be. She could be 17 if she wants to and 59 on her birthday. She is silly, clumsy. witty. dopey. crazy and still be a mother. My mom sings like a 12 year old and laugh like she's 21. She also get excited for me when there's cute boys in an event and give me advise when i really need it.
My mom is not my grandma, but she certainly CAN rock!

Yoko Ono

2010-11-08T18:42:00.000-08:00

Checking my phone for the umpteenth time,
No news from him for quite sometime,

Have i been forgotten this time around?
and like a fool being played around?

Days passed, but months i felt,
These are the feelings I've dealt

Suppose to write about Yoko Ono,
but about her i cant write, you know?

i thought of the ways of contacting him,
even when all my chances are slim,

His miles apart and hours behind,
I wish time to stop fast forward and rewind,

Allah please help me be patient,
for I am nothing but dust of Your creation,

Protect him and bless him with love,
for You are the most loving one above,

Give me the strength not to cry,
and let three months without him fly,

Words in my head - David Gurnani

2010-11-08T05:20:00.000-08:00

Gosh..that lasagna look so good, and the smell...ummm...

David gave a huge sigh.

I am on this damn diet, and i have to be a cow, eating salads and tuna. I cant stand this anymore. i might just vomit blood one day, cause of the smell of tuna. it was all my darling fiance's idea to restart my diet. she said i had gained some weight. i cant seem to wrapped my brain around this new diet plan of hers which she recommended. Look at her, taking huge bites off that cheesy lasagna, while I eat nothing but greens all week.

Looking at his fiance whose smiled at him after taking a spoon full of the lasagna.

My legs are hurting me now, all because she wanted to go shopping. Pre wedding shopping it seems. i think i had spend most of my money i won on the biggest loser on her. I still cant believe she bought that USD 5000 wedding gown. For God sake, she's only going to wear it once.

i have to admit, she had been pestering me to buy her that pair of expensive diamond earrings. Sometimes she even talks about wanting dowry. She wasn't like this before, and i wonder till what extend she's going to squeeze my pockets. i had been obliging her desires for car and a house, then her wedding dress. After all that she asked for an apartment, and wanted her family to be near by our house. NOW, she wants the earrings.

Pause and look at a slutty women rubbing herself on an older men, who looks wealthy in the restaurant.

Maybe she's actually marrying me for my money, owh my God, let see what she would do if i take some of her lasagna.

Took a spoon n reached the lasagna

"What are you doing? Eat your food, your supposed to be on a diet so that you look good in our wedding photo" she said strictly, while giving David an angry glare.

Yeap, i think she's just here for my money. she never was satisfied with how i look. even if i was skinny, she would still say i am fat. i have to end this before i end up regretting my whole life.

"You know what, babe? Its over" David said with a stern voice.

Now that felt good.

Walks away with a grin on his face.

Life is boring

2010-10-31T09:27:00.000-07:00

أستغفر الله

the mistakes i made,

the sins i had done,

the word I've said,

the promises undone,

يا الله

efface my bad deeds

help me help those in need,

free my soul from greed,

remove those ugly seeds

ياالله

save me from the fire of hell,

for i had become so low,

You know what i cant tell,

the sinful places i go,

يا الله
this life is so boring,
many times had i gone astray
living days without fearing,
of the days i did not pray.

يا الله

there's no limits to your grace,

you are ever mindful,

there is nothing you cant see nor trace,

you are the most merciful

رَبَّنَا لا تُؤَاخِذْنآ إِننَسِيَنآ أوْ أخْطَأْ نَا رَبَّنَا وَ لا تَحْمِلْ عَلَيْنَآ إصْرًا كَمَا حَمَلْتَه عَلَى اْلَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِنَا ج رَبَّنَا وَ لا تُحَمّلْنَا مَا لا طَاقَةَ لَنَابِهِ وَاْعْفُعَنَّا وَ اْغْفِرْلَنَا وَاْرْحَمْنَآ أنتَ مُوْلَنَا فَاْنصُرْنَا عَلَى الْقَوْمِ الْكَفِرِينَ[surah al-Baqarah; 2:286]

Adam Lambert

2010-10-10T07:20:00.000-07:00

a weird tale between me and him,
the first glace i knew i liked him,

a simple smile and a tender touch,
it was sweeter then chocolate and fudge,

a bond was made between me and him,
inside jokes, that no one can ever imagine,

things was complicated went he looked away,
all my wishes and dreams fade away,

he left me bleeding heartless,
everything he said was meaningless,

he found a new love, a new friend,
he forgets me and i had to mend

no one understand how I felt,
the emotions and hurt I've dealt,

but one day he called, wanting a friend,
i was there till the very end,

i don't know why i gave in,
after the hell he put me in,

that Adam Lambert song, he sang,
still somehow gives me the "bang"

the "bang" that hits my heart,
which he had pierced it with a dart,

even though now his here, arms wide open,
but deep inside I'm still am hurt and broken ,

people may say that we're meant to be,
that both of us, chemistry they see,

but the story of me and him are long gone,
even to be with him, i am no longer fond,

10 things i hate

2010-10-05T22:50:00.000-07:00

First thing first, I don't like to use the word "hate", as everything in this world are made with the blessings of Allah. Everything belongs to Him and only Him alone. Its the teaching sunnah not to hate a person or action made by them. I never like using the word "hate", but Allah knows the intention of this entry, Subhanallah.

I hate this post that contradicts my believes,
I hate the bad things that I can never leave,

I hate that there's wars all round the world.
I hate how nasty, words unfurl,

I hate that syaitan destroy humans,
i hate that the ummah dont take care of their iman

I hate the word "hate" i am using,
I hate that it made me sound so depressing,

I hate the fact that this poem is too short,
I hate it that i hate this poem a lot

Kuala Lumpur

2010-10-05T21:59:00.000-07:00

"I have leukemia." Those were the first words out of Hamzah's mouth after I answered the phone.
"What? You're lying to me," I replied, praying that he was.
"Raudhah, I have leukemia. Why would I lie about something like this?" At that moment. I burst into tears. He tried to tell me he would be okay, that he was strong. But it was so hard for me to understand. Why does this happened to the best people, the one who havent even lived their lives?
The next day in university, my friend Amani handed me a post card with the picture of the streets of Kuala Lumpur. The streets where Hamzah and I always use, to get to KLCC.
"Hamzah came over yesterday, and he told me to give this to you. He said that somehow this card had reminded him of you," she told me, handling me the card. I look at it for a minute and shrungged my shoulders, putting it inside my handbag.
A month later, Hamzah was at the hospital, about two hours away from where we lived. I was scared to see him in the hospital. I love him so much, I was afraid that my emotions would get mixed up, and I would end up crying. But I remembered what Hamzah had told me before, "Allah is always with us, and He is watching us everyday. He would put us to a test and see if we would pass or fail. Sabr is an act of worship. So you must always have patience." That meaningful statement of him, gave me the courage to be strong for Hamzah.
I wanted to give Hamzah a gift. But what? I took out the post card out from my dresser, found some scissors, and clipped it into two pieces. I put one in my front pocket and stuffed the other in and envelope, along with a letter explaining to him. I told him to keep his half beside his bed, and i would keep mine near me, too. i went to the hospital that day with a grin on my face. As i scrubbed my hands with disinfectant, I wonder if the post card would mean anything to him. I walked in the tiny room and took in his presence for a second before i ran over to give him a long hard hug. Hamzah's face turned red, because of my action. Then, i realized that what I had done, and I blushed. I handed him the envelope, and head to the window, avoiding his sparkling eyes, staring at me. He open the envelope, and crinkled his nose.
"What is this?" he asked, a little bewildered.
"Just read the letter," I told him.
We talked for awhile and then he started looking tired, so i told him that I had to leave and for him to get some rest. On the way out, I held the post card close to me. That night, after prayers, as i pulled off my jeans, i remembered the post card still in my pocket. i took it out, and hold it around tight. And that is where it stayed all night. For the next four months, the post card was with me everywhere I went: university, home, shopping, at friend's house, masjid and in bed. Where I went, it went. It was something that remind me Hamzah is always by my side, and he with Allah's grace, he would be home soon. Hamzah said that he kept under his pillow, and sometimes inside the Quran, after reciting it before he went to bed.
He had it close to him when he was being tested and treated and poked and prodded, when he lay scared at night that he might never get better and in the early morning when he was thankful for another day.
Finally, Hamzah came home! I was so happy. We went out, like how we use to. We walked the streets where the picture on the post card was taken. It was indescribable. Its amazing, how a small post card had impact me and him. How it made me feel that Hamzah is close to me, even when we are not. I thank Allah for He had cured Hamzah, and cured my heart from the fear of losing him. I would never forget this street, this street called Kuala Lumpur.

I’m going to smile

2010-09-29T01:47:00.000-07:00

I’m going to smile and make you think I’m happy,

I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry,
I’m going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me-

I’m going to smile

Barack Obama

2010-09-26T08:06:00.000-07:00

All the things I handle,
pressure and stress unbearable,
words traveling in circle,
to please the needs of people,

All the things i handle,
economic tensions grapples,
inter nations troubles
to please the needs of people,

All the things i handle,
national security rustle.
its proven no easy gambol,
to please the needs of people,

All the things i handle,
political fever doubles,
social well being indefeasible,
to please the needs of people,

A quiet Elegy

2010-09-15T07:21:00.000-07:00

the moment when the sun goes down,
the moon comes in along with the stars,
but there's a melancholy in my heart,
in the dusk of time,

why the thought of you,
still present in this heart.
when our love chapter
is already gone

maybe the guilt that i feel,
is still there,
because i was
adamant to leave and
it hurt you somehow,

all i could ask now is,
for your forgiveness,
for all the thing that,
i had put you through,
i just know that you
and i are not likely to be integrated,

what is left now is memories,
that would always be,
a history or a quiet elegy,
let my prayers accompany
you as that's the only thing i could do,

we both know that i am not what you need,
i hope you Allah grant your dreams,
and i hope you have all the joy in this world,
just know that i will always love you,

A supplication to Allah (swt)

2010-09-05T09:29:00.000-07:00

Oh Allah (swt) create in us a deep desire and yearning to practice Your every Command. Create in us a desperate hatred with every form of sinning. Oh Allah (swt) save us from becoming attached to this temporary world. Oh Allah (swt) make us desire our abode in Paradise, hence easing the task of working towards attaining Paradise. Oh Allah (swt) give us death when we are prepared and when are heart are filled with love for You. Oh Allah (swt) aid us in follow Your Commands and in practicing the teachings of your Beloved Prophet (saw). Oh Allah (swt) save us from every act that incurs your displeasure. Save us from every type of sin. Oh Allah (swt) grant us undeserving servants, Paradise. Oh Merciful Allah (swt) protect us from the hell fire, for it is a fire we are unable to endure. Oh Forgiving Lord, truly you love to forgive. Forgive us. Oh Allah (swt) we beg You to not make us a Muflis on the Day of Judgment. We beg you to aid us in fulfilling the rights of Your servants. Forgive all our major and minor sins and grant us satisfaction in both worlds. Oh Allah (swt) we beg You to save us from backbiting, slander and every other type of bad deed which abuses the rights of Your servants. We beg you to forgive us and give us death with Imaan. Oh Allah, we beg You to make us people who do not oppress any of Your creation. If we have done so in the past we ask You to grant those we have oppressed satisfaction in this world and the Hereafter. Oh Allah, we beg you to not make us Muslims just by name but make us firm muslims by actions, make us people who strive to follow Your command, Oh Allah, make our characters like that of your beloved Prophet (saw) who endured pain from his enemies and in return gave them supplications of goodness. Ameen.

The Cold Harsh Truth

2010-09-05T05:52:00.000-07:00

When he leaves me for good,i guess i just have to let him. No matter how much it'll hurt, No matter how much i don't want that to happen. I just have to held my head high and tell myself not to cry. There are somethings that is beyond my control. It does not matter even if i die fighting for him, in the end, i just have to accept the cold harsh truth. The person i cant live without, can live without me!

The new place

2010-09-03T06:09:00.000-07:00

blazing sun burns like fire,
from the ocean blue sky,
pearls of sweats appears,
on her face as she walk by,

a tinge of anxiety lingers,
as she reached the place,
the place she study literature,
where knowledge she embrace,

the enumerable crowd was surging ,
students queuing like lemmings,
while staffs busy face painting,
impatient calls ignoring,

a mess of chaos made,
chairs and tables disarray,
dilemma in finding classes we face,
running in circles of maze,

Save me

2010-08-03T23:25:00.000-07:00

let the wind bring my soul,
to a place call paradise,
where i could be whole,
and everything is suffice,

let my spirit be free to fly,
up the mountains in the sky,
i want to be free from lies,
and watching people die,

let the fire burns my blood,
so that i could see the light,
its like I'm drowning in flood,
a flood in which i cant fight,

Pure Love From The Heart

2010-07-30T02:41:00.000-07:00

my love does not lie,
nor does it knows insincerity,
my love
does not comply with the feeling of grief
and have no ending,
my love have no thousand promises,
only happiness forever

as for whatever i feel right now,
is a series that have no end,
and it have your name written
all over it

loving you have no time limit
nor expiry dates,
there's no emptiness in poetry,
that radiates from my heart
only with my true heart,
I'm loving you with no doubts
with faith and hopes running
through my blood
always

Guys like you

2010-07-29T03:53:00.000-07:00

my sister warn me about guys like you. guys who think they are matured and true. a guy who looks at appearance rather then the heart. what a shame and a pity, that you are part of them. the wind may blow and thou my scar is obvious, the ugly truth will reveal. take off your charm as you no longer need to hide under veils. beneath the manly figure of yours, your just a baby in disguise. nothing to shout about, nothing to fancy upon. thou, it tears my heart to find out this way, i guess like what mom said, its better late then never. as i turn the other way, i notice my scar is now fading away. to your face it lingers slowly and clear. what an ugly guy, with a thick face and black heart.

waiting

2010-07-28T21:56:00.000-07:00

never thought i see you there,
never thought I'd be this scared,
didn't think you'd do the dare
looking at you with a stare,

what if you don't call,
what if i lose it all.
in the end i just might fall
even when i try to stand tall

i guess i just have to see,
as there's no choice for me
whatever it maybe,
have to lock my heart with a key

Some.........

2010-07-24T02:09:00.000-07:00

Some are fakers, trying to hide what is obvious.
Some are immature, but playing it cool.
Some are just full of ~~bull~~, living in a fantasy of their own.
Some just have a nut crack head problem, who think good bout them self,
Some even take some other people's problem as their own.
Some likes being a sick ~~bastards~~, who think girls are cheap,
Some think they are all that, when they are not,
Some just smile, when they are hurt inside,
Some are hypocrites, saying this and do the other,
Some feels bad disobeying, but still do the same ~~crap~~
Some gets hurts, but never fight back,
Some remembers, but try to forget,

Alive

2010-07-23T05:10:00.000-07:00

i could be who i wanna be. an angel or a devil, rude or polite, its all my choice. i could be a friend and i could be an enemy. i have the world in the palm of my hand. i don't care if u like me or not, cause it doesn't effect me in any way. i don't count on people, people count on me. i do everything myself. i am strong as a lion and as tame as a kitten. i know i bruise easily, but i guard my heart so that i don't break. i don't fall in love, cause it'll make me do stupid things. i set my goals high, as i know i could achieve it. i fight for my rights and the people i love, nothing could stop me as long as i am ALIVE.

No tomorrow

2010-07-23T04:56:00.000-07:00

He hides his own shadow,
to not let anyone know,
that he's cold as the snow,
and his face no longer glow.

his life is full of sorrow,
no directions, no where to go,
his heart he always follow,
through the night like a lost crow,

what a sad sad fellow,
watching days pass with no flow,
just like a broken arrow,
he live a life with no tomorrow,

Evil law in Malaysia

2010-07-15T22:24:00.001-07:00

The ISA law or also known as the Internal Security Act is a preventative detention law in force in Malaysia. The legislation was enacted after Malaysia gained independence from Britain in 1957. The ISA allows for a detention without trail or criminal charges, under limited legally defined circumstances. The first Prime Minister of Malaysia, Tunku Abdul Rahman, defined the purpose of the act as to be used solely against the communists. As years passed by, there are no more communism in Malaysia, thus the ISA law is being abused. The ISA law should be abolished soon, for better governance in future.

As practiced in Malaysia, ISA is used to suppress the human rights. It permits the executives to detain anyone it likes, without any possibility of judicial reviews of the Minister’s decision. The ISA law can detain a person without any limits on how many two years period of detention maybe ordered. The detainee has no rights to know the reason to why they had been detained. The families of the victim would not be informed on the detainee’s condition or whereabouts. Hishamuddin Rais, a Malaysian comedian was detained on April 2001 who had gone through 60 days in ISA prison. In his blog, he claimed that he had been ill-treated, and did not know why he was being detained in the first place. He said that he had been blind folded from 8am to 6pm without failed and was interrogated by a few ISA officers.

The ISA law is a violent law that is also used to silence the opposition parties. For the passed years, most ISA detainees are government political opponent. In Article 149, of the constitution under which the ISA enacted, permits special legislation when subversive action has been taken. The used on ISA to detain individual dissident indulging in non violent opposition to the government in peace time is a violation of the letter and spirit of Article 149. ISA is a shield against foreign aggression, but is now used as weapon against one’s own people. M. Manoharan was one of the Hindraf detainees, who were fighting for the rights of minorities of Malaysian groups in the country. He was detained close to the date of general election. Being detained didn’t stop him standing as a candidate, as people from all ethnic voted for him as assemblymen.
Under the guise of ISA, the freedom of press is being curbed. Freedom of press is freedom of communication and expression through various media and materials. It is being said that Malaysia has some of the toughest censorship in the world. Every source of printing presses has to get license to publish. Journalist is frequently given guidelines by the Prime Minister’s office, when reporting political issues. Basically, the mainstream media is being controlled by the government. The news are not transparent and mostly one sided. Journalist who report “sensitive” issues about the government would be detained under the ISA law for sharing his ideas and perception about Malaysian government. For example, Tan Hoon Cheng from Daily Sin Chew who was detain for his report on the government.

ISA is a violent law that is being abused. There’s a difference between national security and security of the government. This law has often been used to safeguard the latter and not the former. All Malaysians are not “safe” from detention under the ISA. The Internal Security Act has taken on the dimensions of the feared bogeyman that mothers threaten unyielding children with. We should all stand tall and contribute to imitative organized by civil society groups to abolish ISA in return for better governance in the future of tomorrow.

Holy Quran' and the Bible

2010-07-15T22:23:00.001-07:00

The Holy Quran literally means “the recitation”. To a Muslim who worship Allah (SWT) and believe in prophet Muhammad (pbuh) would say that this book is a book of guidance and directions for all mankind. In the other hand, the Bible refers to collection of old sacred scriptures of Judith and Christianity. The Bible tells the story of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Although the stories of the people and the event recorded in the Holy Quran is the same with the Bible, there are three major differences that make them stand on their own.

The presence of God in the scriptures is the most important asset to the reader of these divine books. There are about fifty characters in the Bible that are mention in the Holy Quran. All the characters in the Quran have Arabic names which are translated to Hebrew or even Greek. Names such as Ishak were called Isaac, Ibrahim as Abraham, Jibrail as Gabriel and the list goes on. On the contrary, the Holy Quran speaks as Jesus as a prophet and not the son of God, like how it is stated in the Bible. Based on John 10:30, Jesus declared “I and the Father are one” and in the Quran, Surah An Nisa: 171 state that “The Messiah, Isa son of Maryam, and a spirit from him. This shows that the statement contradicts each book

The teaching of the Bible and the Quran is almost the same. These two books, forbid their followers to eat swine meat. Although many Christian followers eat swine or best known as pork, they are not well informed, that they are not allowed to do so. As stated in Laviticus 11:7-8, “and all pig because its parts the hoof and is doven-footed but does not chew the cud, is unclean for you”. In the Quram, it says that cattle were created for men to eat, while the Bible says that men and animal were created vegetarians. Based on the story of Abraham who was told by Allah to sacrifice Isaac, it learns that meat like cattle are meant to be eaten.

Both the Quran and the Bible mention the same story creation and the sin of humanity. It is stated in the Genesis 2: 4-4:1 and Al Baqarah 30-39 that God creates the first human “A man from the dirt and the life force proceeding from God’s mouth”. God also tells the man to eat any food from any garden they wished, except a single tree. The difference between the stories was the Biblical Garden of Eden is on earth, while the Quranic garden was in heaven. Allah create Adam by saying “Be” while the Bible say God breathes into the man.” the breath of life”. In the Bible, God tells man to name the animals while on the other hand, in Quran, God teaches Adam the name of “all things” and Adam repeats them.

In conclusion, Holy Scriptures of Islam and Christianity poses many similarities. Even the narrative contains the same basic event of figures. There are also distinctions which allow each book to have its own value. Each book represents their own uniqueness which is followed by the worshipers of each religion whether it’s Islam or Christianity. It is stated and believed that there is one God that all mankind should believe in.

Scar

2010-07-15T22:22:00.001-07:00

It all happened ten years ago, everyday I would live with this scar that he left me with. I could still see his wicked smiles in my nightmares. He’s like a demon that I could never face. He is like a ghost that haunts my thoughts day and night. No one understand, no one know how much he had made an impact in my life. How much he had changed me, and made me who I am today. He’s the reason why I cry myself to sleep late at night. That day was the worst day of my life. That day I felt horrified, hopeless and scared.

It happened on a Thursday; mama wanted me to send food to grandma’s house. Her house was about four blocks away from mine. Since the area in Taman Ibu Kota has very low crime rate, mama thought that it would be safe for me to walk there. Like any happy 10 year old, I took the umbrella and walk myself to grandma’s house. Five minutes later I was there, I notice grandma’s favorite shoe was not there but my cousin was there peeking through the window when I pressed the door bell. He then push a button n the gate opens widely, I skip my way in and place the food on the table. I asked him, where was grandma, and he said that she went out to visit my aunt.

I went back to the living room living the kitchen, and I notice that all doors and windows were locked. I could feel my heart beating in my chest. For a ten year old, I was aware of dangerous things that could happen when a man and a woman are alone in a house. I begin to have disturbing thoughts on what might happen next. He offered me a sit, but I ignored and asked him to open the door. He came to me and pushed me on the floor. Horrified, I quickly made my way to the toilet and lock myself in. I had no idea what to do. I know that if I were to scream, no one could hear me. All of the sudden, the door slammed open, he kicked the door open and there he was, standing right in front of me.

I had learned self defense when I was 8, mama send me and my sister to learn karate on weekends to keep us occupied. I kicked him right on the groin, and he was screaming in pain. I pushed him away and found my way out. I was so scared, I started crying. I then quietly hide myself under the dining table. Within the count of ten, he found me. With his strong arms he pulled me out of my hideout. He was on top of me and all I know was that I couldn’t breathe. His weight was so heavy I thought that I could drown breathless. He unbuttons my top and bit me right on the chest. All I could do was to pray to Allah to save me.

Suddenly, the door bell started ringing. And I scream and asked for help. Standing there was my sister. She just got back from school, and passed by grandma’s house and felt like stopping by. My cousin then open the door, and I came out running to my sister. My sister gave him a stare and he quickly claimed that he was just fooling around with me and it made me cry. My sister brought me home and I told her what actually happened. That day was darkest day of my life, and though I forgive him for what he had done, I could never forget.

something my past didnt see

2010-05-15T22:59:00.000-07:00

as i look into the future, that obviously something my past didnt see, i noticed that i had gain so many experience, in which God had blessed me with and transform me into the person i am today. i had always wanted to feel "alive" as i know deep down i am dead. everyday was darkness followed by unfortunate luck and nightmares. i lost my sanity and so was my soul. i had fallen in love and suffered from heartache. i won the battle but i lost the war. the world just fall upon me and i watch my dreams shattered to pieces. to captivate my distressed mind, i know i had to believe and find hope. thank god i found hope, a little faith indeed brought me far. i didnt give up on life, as i know there would be a light in the midst of the dark. now, i treasure my life everyday, and pray that i would be more positive in life. i am now excited bout my future. thats what my past didnt see...

its not that i hate you, i just dont like you

2010-04-29T07:59:00.000-07:00

how childish can a person be? how can a person be so obsessive and so low? have they lost faith? how can they lie just to get what they want? and what if they want isn't really what they need...?

I'm definitely not the one who start this, but all i know is that i should end it. I may not be old enough to understand, but yet i know i am mature enough to know whats right. i set standards for myself and i don't wanna just settled for someone less. its funny when a person just don't get the massage you trying to send. i don't want to have a relationship, not because i don't care about u or that i hate you, its just that i am not interested. i dont wanna date, i want an actual life for me. i wanna be free.

and i am seriously not dodging relationship, i just choose not to commit.

Simply Simple

2010-04-16T03:43:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wish i could be this simple... =)

too nice? too sweet?

2010-04-15T11:03:00.000-07:00

am i too nice? at least that's what most of my friends label me. well, its not that i'm too nice, its just hard for me to be mean or even rude. i feel bad easily. even when my ex broke up with me, after blurted out a few words which was rude, i apologize back (my mom said that was moronic of me). i felt guilty 10 minutes after i said all those mean things. the satisfaction of saying it only last 5 minutes, the other 10 minutes was me regretting. as much as i know i was hurt by that person, by his words, i could not say mean things back. all because i know his not worth my anger. time or even words. i am certainly not him. i am way better.
so here we go, the question here is being too nice a bad thing? i can be bitchy, but i know my limits, n to whom i could be bitchy with. today i realize that being nice can also bring a wrong massage, for god sake, i thought the whole world know that i am not into relationships or lovie dovie kindda mushy stuff. but yet "someone" thinks otherwise. yeah, this person actually thinks that i like him. *sigh* may god bless him, and may God bless him with more IQ knowledge. Amin.
seriously dude, your not the one for me, i am not into you. your not my type...

attached

2010-04-12T21:45:00.000-07:00

why do people even wanna get attached? whats wrong with being single? its not that ya alone or something, you still gt family and friends. for me, attachment or relationships are barriers to a good happy life. i am not being pessimist, but my experience thought me a lot. so now days, when i like someone or have a crush on them, i would start freaking out. i mean, yeah, some people would think, so what if u like someone? but seriously, I'd rather be safe then sorry. whats the point of devoting my heart to someone, when in the end, you'll end up crying ya eyeballs out over that person. its worthless. therefore, feelings or emotions are involve, my strong tendency is to run away.

1st of 2010

2010-03-26T12:03:00.000-07:00

its been ages since my last post. everything is changing so fast, till i myself could not stop and take a deep breath. i had learned so many things now, and I'd found what I'm looking for, i found myself. I've learn from my mistakes and deal with heartbreaks. i guess i really am changing. i had learn how to accept things in a different way then before. i met new people who is weird and annoying. i learn that teamwork is very stressing and most of all i got to know whose a real friend to me.

New Love

2009-10-25T21:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in life I guess you should just stand up and be strong accept whatever that comes with open arms. When you walked in my life, I had a choice, to love or not to love, to devote myself only to that one person or to just be free, and watch you go. And so I choose to be with you and give myself over to you. But before we go on into this, here's something I must ask. It’s not about your past because I don't care who came before me. I am more curious of what you truly want. Tell me are u sincere or just you telling me good words. Be honest and tell me how you truly feel. I want the truth so that I could trust. Even though I like your charm, but there’s so much I have to learn about you. And you have to know that what you dedicate to me is what you'll get back in return.

I've open my eyes

2009-09-22T23:19:00.000-07:00

why cant you see? do i really even matter? Seems like I’m not here. It’s like I don’t mean nothing. Like glass clear almost like you can see straight through me. I got questions but no answers. I'm so tired of being confused I'm so sick of your attitude, your reasons, your excuses. i feel like i don't know you. you tell me you love me, wanna hold me, care for me but you cut me down, and i know you see what your doing to me. you scream, you wont let me speak..i just cant take your temper no more. so I'm gonna find myself another way, because i don't want to stay another day. Now i wanna live my life for me, and i guess this is how its supposed to be. I'm gonna change my life, no more standing at the back of the line cause I’m invisible for the last time.

What is it?

2009-09-02T06:18:00.000-07:00

have you ever felt like as though there's something missing in your life and you cant seem to figure out what it is? and you wish you would know what it is so that you can make changes and do something about it? these things have been in my head for quite sometime, it drives me crazy. i can hear a quiet voice in my head telling me do something. but i really don't know what to do. i feel lost. i feel like i did something wrong somewhere, but what is it? good Lord, maybe I'm thinking too much, calm down, take a deep breath and just go with the flow, whatever happens, happens. I'll face it.

letter to my sister

2009-08-15T09:45:00.000-07:00

dearest Alia Natasya..

you looking more like a doll these days and i couldn't even believe my eyes on how beautiful you have grown. i know i hardly tell you this but I want u to know how much you means to me. How much you has changed my world. I want you to know that your presence is important in my life. For me, your an angel in disguise your full with intuition, charisma, intelligent and wise. You are always there helping me through good times and bad. And I must say thou I don’t tell u everything in my life, u are the best friend I’ll forever have. And this year’s birthday, when I blow my candles I shall wish to give u as much as you’ve given me. Thou, I know sometime I mess things up. You’ve always clean up after me. =) you stood by me and give me courage to face trials and tests and you’ve always give me your hand whenever u could. I greatly admire u each and everyday. I am so lucky to have grown up next to you. You are a blessing, which fills my heart with love. You are as sweet as chocolate and as smooth as fudge. I love you.

xoxo
~Anna~

Nur Maisarah Binti Mohamed Rafique

2009-07-29T06:56:00.000-07:00

cute nose and big round eyes
caused excitement you can’t disguise;
Tiny fingers, and tiny toes,
Little itty bitty clothes.
Dresses, ribbons & hair to curl,
she is Maisarah my baby girl...

Untittle

2009-07-29T06:19:00.000-07:00

why? tell me why?
why do you always make me cry?
you cant understand if you dont try
how do you expect these tears to dry?

are you blind
or are you deaf?
are you just
heartless to death?

is it too much?
is this real?
is my heart bleeding?
will it ever heal?

what are you planing?
what are you thinking?
what the fuck should i be doing?
God why this is happening?

Superstitious Beliefs

2009-07-10T08:14:00.000-07:00

Me and my mom was discussing on superstitious beliefs. I got so interested in the topic. well, there's a lot of superstition in the world and most people know it. Of course, one person's superstition is another's absolute truth. But we all can look at someone and think "How the heck can they believe that rubbish?", even if we believe plenty of rubbish of our own. As we know, human knowledge is far from perfect. As individuals, we have a hard time even understanding any one particular subject quite well, let alone all human knowledge. And even if you could somehow magically know everything ever discovered, you'd still be a long way short of complete enlightenment. The more you know about something, generally, the more you realize just how much we people don't know.So we use superstition to fill in the gaps. Old people love doing this, and now, teenagers tend to follow it too. If you're afraid of the future, maybe a horoscope holds the key. If you can't explain what happens to people after they die, some kind of religion may be your thing. As for me, it a waste of time and resources unnecessarily and leads to bad decision making. Indeed, it's usually better to admit "I don't know" than to base choices on flawed beliefs..

So What? Deal With it

2009-07-10T08:07:00.000-07:00

Like most people, I've had all kinds of disappointments and things that make me angry in life. Sometimes, I just can't believe that the world can be as cruel as it appears.

When I think about the single biggest factor that has shocked and disappointed me most about reality, it almost always comes back to things people have done. Those who I thought were friends have betrayed me, those I thought I could trust have cheated me, or those I thought cared have neglected me. This, above all else, has been a source of misery to me on many occasions.

But I'm beginning to figure the whole thing out.

I think I, like most of us, have pretty high expectations of the people I interact with. I've built up this framework of rules and morals that I expect them to follow, because those are the rules and morals I myself try to follow. But I think this is naive. Most people just do whatever the heck they want. And if my interests happen to conflict with theirs ... well too bad for me. This seems to be the case even if they're people who appear to really like me and show loyalty.

The people we share this Earth with aren't angels or gods. They're not born particularly good or noble. They're all flawed to some extent, just like you and me.

We humans like to think we're some kind of higher beings, and in some ways we are. You just have to listen to some of the music we've produced, the books we've written and the science problems we've solved. But all this is just a fraction of who we really are.

The truth is that most of us are petty, shallow and self-obsessed much of the time. We don't focus on the problems that are noble, but those that come from our most base desires. We seek love, status and material comfort above all else, and God help anyone who gets in our way. That's just the way the vast majority of us are, and to pretend otherwise is just wishful thinking.

I'm not saying you should hate people, hide from them or treat them with nonstop suspicion. There's all sorts of things about most of us that are lovable, wise and trustworthy. I am saying not to go too far in your appreciation of humanity's finer points. Realize that we're all flawed and capable of selfish and destructive acts.

That's just the way life is. And as regular readers know, I think basing your decisions of unpleasant truths is a much smarter way to go than dressing things up in pretty lies.

The King Of Pop

2009-07-09T21:21:00.000-07:00

Ive finally watched MJ Memorial Ceremony one day before my finals on Channel V. It was really good. A tribute to the King of POP. A lot of MJ’s friends came to pay tribute to him, some even have the privilege to gave a speech about the King. I like Brooke Shields’ speech (didn’t know she was MJ”s ex and his good friend), her story about MJ was good but somehow i feel like she’s not really feeling sad about it (as though it’s acted out) maybe because she’s good at acting. But whatever it is, MJ has passed away and we all should just forget about his bad news in life and remember his good time in life with us.

Through that memorial, i understand how much changes MJ has made for a lot people in this world especially the children, HIV patients and the African American. He truly have made that change and i really respect him for that.

For whatever people said about him being a Muslim, a child abuser, a molester, a person who deny his own identity. It’s all over and for all we know,those statement may be true and may be fake. I think we all should choose what we want to believe about MJ because he had passed on. We should believe what we want about him to retain that good images of him in our life. For me, i would like to remember him as a good person, who did help those who are sick and who are poor, and i would also like to remember him as a Black person and not a White because that’s who i saw in ‘Billie Jean’, ‘Thriller’, and ‘Black and White’. Those are one of my favourite songs and i would like to remember him as that. Always in my mind.

Even though his children are not his, even though he named his son, Blanket, even though he change his skin colour to be white, for all i know, i still see that there are so many people in this world who still love MJ, Michael Jackson, the King of POP, or what Joe Jackson had said in his speech, the Greatest Entertainer in the World.

My Brother ; My Protector

2009-07-02T03:11:00.000-07:00

Never in my life have I met someone as amazing as my brother. He is my underlying strength. My brother who have the most beautiful heart and soul and a source of incomparable knowledge to me. He was there when i cried my eyes out over my broken heart. Was there when i thought i lost everything. He was there to guide me when i was in a state of confusion. I never thought I'd be so lucky to have someone who catch me before i could even fall, or even read me like a book like how he does. He is everything to me, and hopefully someday, in 10 years time, i wish i could have all the good qualities in him. He would not just be a brother or a best friend but also a role model.

i heart u, Ganesh!!

Lost

2009-05-01T03:25:00.001-07:00

Lost in a world, that scares me to death,
Lost in a crowd I’m losing my breath,
Lost as a kid, lost as an adult
I feel everything is falling apart and its my fault
Lost as a person, cant find my way
Lost in life every day, Lost in worry
Who am I?
I’ve lived a Lie
Lost to Kindness,
Lost to Love
Lost in the sky,
Like a lonely dove
Lost in thought which I shouldn’t do
It Winds me up,
I can’t get through
Lost to comfort all kind words
Lost to advice that isn’t heard
Lost to those who really care?
All these people always there
Lost in Me, I need a break
Lost in wonder which road should I take?
Lost in a place I don’t know well
Where are you now? There’s no one to tell
Lost here all alone To break these walls
Lost in mind
Lost in soul
Lost memories, there just a hole
Lost family, lost my place
Still yet I’m full of hate
Lost in boredom think I’ll leave
There’s a lot in life I need to achieve

the only one i can think about

2009-04-24T00:21:00.000-07:00

Today I m feeling so low as you are not with me,
I miss u every moment wherever I may be.

My mind sets no where and just thinks about you,
I wanna talk a lot with you but our talks are due.

My lips are trembling and calling your name,
I cannot see you in front of me and I m going through this pain.

My tears are in trauma should they flow out or lay inside,
they want to roll down my cheeks but could not decide.

My one hand holds the other as it cannot hold yours,
It wanders for only your warm touch , I m sure.

My heart beats gets faster wishing you might be here,
giving me the feel of joy, love and care.

How much I love you is all i know,
i just feel it and I dont want to show.

I miss you with every beat of my heart, no doubt
you are the only one of whom i can think about.....

Define Love..?

2009-04-17T09:31:00.000-07:00

Love is decent, pieces fall down my feet..
Love is a lie, puddles from the tears i cried..
Love is an illusion, cause of your intrusion..
Love is a game, doesn't last, ends the same..
Love brings sorrow, stolen now is my tomorrow..
Love is lost, broken now and that's the cause..

if.........

2009-04-09T07:24:00.000-07:00

If I said I loved you would it be a lie?
If I said to leave would you say goodbye?

If I'd have been different and changed one thing
Would everything else be re-arranged?

If I had loved a different guy
Would it have been enough to change my world

Enough to make all the dark and grey
All the misery and sadness to go away

To leave me alone and never come back
To make my world something other than black

From Anis to Me

2009-04-03T23:21:00.000-07:00

"Anna Valentine,A Song For The Moment".......
Tuesday, March 31, 2009 at 5:43pm

Now listen here girl,
Let me say this 1 more time,
Once you know what I mean,
Tell me again now what do you mean,
Because the day be coming again,
Im telling you what i be defining,
The definition of VALENTINE.......
Look down here,
Look a little closer,
Vvery,very,
A is for adorable-ly,
L is for loved,by those who love,
E is eccentric,maybe,
N is maybe noisy,
T is for thinking me,maybe,
I is for instructing to be,
N is another way being nice,I mean,and last but not least
E is for being entrusting me,maybe
Because Im dedicating this lil project here,
To a girl I know,
That is for sure,
Another moment of the ones who want more,
But listen here lil anna,
Honest as it maybe,
Im just being very,very,very,very,
Honest as it may be,
Telling you if maybe,
This valentine is to be,
Yours truly....

Peace.

This Guy...

2009-04-03T22:39:00.000-07:00

I caught a second wind of happiness when I came to know this guy, and then we became the best of friends. We'd spend hours talking everyday.But then he started wanting more from me and my mind began to change, suddenly I didn't feel the same. We went from half full to half empty and I took a detour trying to find myself, but I'm on this road where I have fences around me. I confess that i was dodging commitment and I know I've been tripping. I want to show my heart but I don't know where to start. So i keep running from the future but mostly from the past. I was so scared my heart break, scared of making mistakes. Now here i am, i got to put a full stop, cause i know i cant keep running this marathon, No matter how hard I try to define,I'm shall come face to face with myself, but should i give him a try?

Stop Right There!!!

2009-03-18T22:31:00.001-07:00

Do not love me yet, for I
Am still a slender moon,
A scimitar about the heart
Too sharp to touch too soon.

Before I'm touched I need to grow
More full in golden light;
I need to smile upon my earth
And rule some patch of night.

I need to know what roads and fields
Lie in my domain
And dull my brand new ecstasies
With sophomoric pain.

I need the love of some blank boy
As cold and dark as me,
That we might grope in ignorance
And fear of what might be.

And then when I'm a silver bowl
And know what I can hold,
Then, then, perhaps, we could try love
If you are not too old.

Thinking of you

2009-03-18T22:24:00.000-07:00

My mood is like a cloudy noon
Waiting for the sun,
Or like a sailing ship that can't
Set sail without the tide.

I fidget in my emptiness,
Not knowing where to run;
Yet when you're near I can't explain
What's going on inside.

It's too bad feelings swim so deep,
Too deep for anyone
To grasp them as they squiggle through
And take them for a ride.

Nothing Or Something??

2009-03-17T22:43:00.000-07:00

I have nothing to say for myself.
I believe in nothing.
That's why I always have nothing on my mind.
I just remembered something, however,
and if I may, here's something to show for it,
a little something from nothing.
Mind you, it's nothing to write home about.
And it's nothing to speak of, either.
It's really about nothing in particular.
For once you try everything from A to Z,
you find that nothing really works,
and that with nothing up your sleeve,
nothing is what it seems--
it leaves everything to your imagination
and nothing to be desired.
Now, if you think this has nothing to do with you,
or is much ado about nothing,
well, you ain't seen nothin' yet.
As any good-for-nothing can tell you,
I'd like nothing better than to offer you nothing.
But timing is everything.
Before you get all worked up over nothing,
you should know something first:
I used to have nothing to be ashamed of, and nothing to fear.
I mean, I used to think I was really something,
that I had everything going for me,
that anything was possible.
I used to believe that if one couldn't have everything,
at least something was better than nothing,
and that as long as there was something for everyone,
who could ask for anything more?
One day, however, I began hearing sweet nothings
whispering in my ear, to the tune of
"All or nothing? All or nothing? All or nothing?"
At first something in me said, "Oh, it's nothing,"
and I tried to act as if nothing had happened.
But day and night I kept hearing the sweet nothings
in my ear until I knew I had something to worry about,
since nothing was standing in my way
and I was already next-to-nothing.
Finally I decided it was all for nothing anyway,
that there was nothing left for me to do
except to take nothing personally.
So I slipped into something a bit more comfortable
and, after thinking of everything,
I said to myself, "Here goes nothing..."
And suddenly, in a blinding flash, nothing happened.
Absolutely nothing!
And everything--in a word--changed!
I had nothing more to lose,
nothing more to hide--
for nothing was new under the sun,
nothing more and nothing less.
And all I could say was, "Thanks. Thanks for nothing."
That's why, now, I can believe everything I hear,
for everything reminds me of something else.
And that's why I can take nothing for granted,
for I know that nothing really matters,
that nothing's perfect,
that nothing lasts forever.
After all, nothing is sacred

3 Months

2009-03-11T23:51:00.000-07:00

I don't know weather this could break my heart or save me. Nothing is real until you let go completely and here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving and all my fears weighing on me. Three months and I'm still sober, picking up all my weeds and keep the flowers. I could crash and burn but maybe at the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me. After all this, I'm still breathing and its been a long road since those hands I left my tears. 3 months and i feel better, I'm still standing here.

The thin line between love and hate....

2009-03-08T04:36:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed how, in romantic relationships, it seems we are always riding the line between adoring and abhorring our partner? Things will be going fine; you’re adrift on a sea of love and affection—then your significant other does something you don’t like. Suddenly, you’re fuming, thinking, ‘It’s OVER!’—your lover changed to villain in less time than it takes to change your socks.

Why does this happen? Is it simply human nature, or perhaps the nature of romantic love? Why do these relationships make us so crazy, turning even the calmest participants into self-contained roller coasters of emotion, causing us to do and say things we neither mean nor understand?

While hormones and conflicting egos play their part in the fickleness of our love partnerships, the real problem has more to do with an outdated idea (or ideal) of romantic love—a model designed to create conflict and leave us disappointed.

me and him

2009-01-21T05:18:00.000-08:00

We ain't Romeo & Juliet.
3 words, 8 letters.
I love you, that's all I really know.
We both were young when we first fall for each other.
15 months, a long journey.
Flash back and memories,
all about you.
A love story,
I need it

I Still Love You‏

2009-01-02T19:52:00.000-08:00

I thought you really love me,

I thought you really do cared,

You told me once you'll never leave me,

That you treasured every moment we shared,

You made me love you,

In whatever you say or do,

Then you left me suddenly, out of the blue,

Leaving me here dying because of you,

My heart beats loudly against my chest,

I feel my whole world crumbles in every phase,

And my whole body and my heart aches,

Cant hide these tears falling from my face

Now i don't know who you are,

You're definitely not the person i once knew,

You're just the men who broke my heart into two,

But i dont know why i still love you,

The Break- Up

2008-12-19T20:18:00.000-08:00

December 18th was a tragic day for me. A day that i will always remember, for that day, my heart was being stab by a sharp blade. yes. that day i died. i died the moment he said goodbye. i watched the world around me crumble into pieces and fall down upon my feet. there goes my only possession and my everything. what happened to those days? those days when you used to talk to me like I was the only one around. when you used to lean on me like the only other choice was falling down. when you used to walk with me like we had nowhere we needed to go. what happened? i thought, we had this figured out and under control. i wish we can get this back? back to how it used to be. where I used to reach for you when I got lost along the way. where I used to listen because you always had just the right thing to say. days when I used to follow you and never really cared where we would go. because that's how it is, that's how love is. And right now i miss the love that we had shared. i wish you realize that you meant the word to me. i wish you know, Kugan, that i still love you

Dad this one's for you

2008-10-10T00:24:00.000-07:00

why won't you listen to me. Please hear my silent plea, you so often ignore. Why can't you see my pain? Just once, I wish you'd say; I love you, simply because you are you. Why can't you admire my compassion? My soul? That you don't even know, yet cries out for recognition. Why have you never heard my plea? A plea to understand who I am. Grew up believing, everything you did was right. I tried so hard to please you. Yet I always fell somehow short of your expectations.
Why did I fail to win your love? Why have you never heard me cry? Why have you never listened to me? You have heard my words, but you never understood what I was trying to say.

dont hide from your problems

2008-09-19T10:48:00.000-07:00

we all have devastating moments in life, when terrible, unimaginable things happen that put shit all over our world and affect our lives in negative ways. the question is not how to avoid problems, but how to deal with them once they arrive, how to learn from them and how to be stronger because of the tool you gain from the experience. dealing with life on life's tear - head on - is not my area of expertise. most of the time i would pretend like my problems don't exist. i tell myself it is easier on my heart that way. but deep down i know i'm wrong. the only way to heal from a heartbreaking situation is to accept its reality and then become willing to work on healing it.

Something That He Tought Me

2008-09-18T03:20:00.001-07:00

In my life, I have found there are two things about which I should never worry. First, I shouldn't worry about the things I can't change. If I can't change them, worry is certainly most foolish and useless. Second, I shouldn't worry about the things I can change. If I can change them, then taking action will accomplish far more than wasting my energies in worry. Besides, it is my belief that, 9 times out of 10, worrying about something does more danger than the thing itself. Give worry its rightful place - out of your life.

5 Ways to Stay Out Of Trouble

2008-08-12T07:26:00.000-07:00

#1. It’s not what we don’t know that get’s us in trouble, it’s what we DON’T DO

What I was about 11 years old, I really liked to play with my cat- Nemo. Much of the enjoyment came from running around the house, with the fellow on my tail.! At the time, I had been given several firm warning by my mother- ‘DON’T RUN inside the house, you might fall and hurt yourself’. Of course, as mischievous as I was, I didn’t take the advice.
Then one day it happened. I slipped and fell. I knocked my head on the edge of a hardy wooden chair.
That was just one example of my life that I shared with you. There are plenty more! I am sure that looking back, you too would have had your moments. How many drink and drive? How many speed and die?

On most occasions we know what we shouldn’t do. Yet, for various reasons, we still do….

#2. Be mindful of who you trust

There is no crash course out there, which will help you with this one! I believe that this is more of a trial and error method! The more experience you have with life, the easier it become to fine tune your judgment.

#3. Stay away from trouble makers

For some odd reason, I have found that ‘trouble makers’ make life interesting and exciting, for a while. Is the true for you?
However, after some time, it all fades away and you are left with pain, anger and frustration.

#4. Try Not to Annoy People

You surely must be wondering, “Why should I try not to annoy people?”! My answer being, “The less people you annoy, the more easy life is, for you!” Do you have a different opinion? I’m open for comments.

#5. Accidents cause people!

you know what i mean dont you...